Say the hard thing without starting a fight.

The exact words for the fights you keep having: couples, family & work

Three from the cheat sheet

Try this instead.

The listening fight

Instead of
“You never listen to me.”

Try
“When I was telling you about my boss and you jumped to fixing it, I got frustrated. I just want to be heard first. Could you listen for five minutes, no advice?”
The dishes fight

Instead of
“You never help around here.”

Try
“I've done the dishes the last four nights and I'm worn out. I want this to feel shared. Would you take them tonight?”
The in-laws fight

Instead of
“You always take your mom's side.”

Try
“When your mom commented on my cooking and you didn't say anything, I felt alone at that table. I want us to be a team. Could we agree on one line you'll say next time, like ‘We're good, Mom’?”

Why I do this

I grew up outside Columbus, Ohio. My parents loved each other, and they fought at dinner most nights. Always the same sentences: “You never listen.” “Fine. Whatever.” “Here we go again.” I'd sit on the stairs and notice that every one of them made the gap wider.

In my twenties I caught myself saying “You never listen” to my own partner. A friend handed me a worn copy of Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. It explained what I'd felt on those stairs: under every attack, there's a need nobody said out loud.

I share this so the kid on the stairs somewhere hears a different way.

Find me here